March 27, 2003

Black Helicopters

I was wondering this morning why there were two black helicopters hovering over my apartment building. When I came into work I found the answer.

Oh well, nothing doing. I guess it's a bit of pub for the newly remodeled Williamsburg Bridge. Oh well, this explains it, apparently the offenders were from Massachusetts and Rhode Island. Great.

My officemate is gone to St. Lucia for the weekend. I'm jealous. I'm going to spend the weekend in and out of rain showers looking for a new apartment in Brooklyn that I fear will not be as good as the one that fell through.

The Eight Songs I Listened To When I Tried To Be Good And Early To Work Today

"American English"--Idlewild from The Remote Part
"Silverado Days"--Beulah from When Your Heartstrings Break
"Baudelaire"--...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead from Source Tags & Codes
"In This City"--Enon from High Society
"Castles"--Damien Jurado & Gathered In Song from I Break Chairs
"For What Reason"--Death Cab For Cutie from We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes
"Monkey Gone To Heaven"--The Pixies from Death To The Pixies 1987-1991
"Temporarily Blind"--Built To Spill from Keep It Like A Secret

March 26, 2003

I Fucked The Hiltons

Sometimes The Onion is really really good...especially this week's war issue. But this is genius:
Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement

NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz. "My sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote. "Sources say their crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar... and it's got the spoiled socialites in a snit!" As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate the sisters.

Food Glorious Food

dagbag, babyI haven't had greater insight as to how much I am bored with my daytime life and job than today when I gazed in wonder at my discovery of a Dag's on 38th and 3rd. I walked through the entire store, looking at every item on every shelf, amazed that there was a supermarket only blocks from my work. Why, I could go down here and buy all sorts of things!!! Look at the food!! The glorious food!!!

I bought a bag of Terra Red Bliss Roasted Garlic and Parmesan Potato Chips, a bottle of Snapple's Kiwi Teawi, and a Double Chocolate Harvest Powerbar.

Sigh...granted...I could have bought these items anywhere, like a bodega or something. I mean, sure, a lot of the items at Dag's involves changes of temperature that I just can't pull off. Some of the stuff needs to be warmed up or cooled down to be good. Oh well, it still reeks of an oasis in the midtown cesspool.

It's obvious my mind is seeking anything resembling stimulation. Bright lights, ripe fruit, misting systems...variety.

I sit in my office all day waiting for life to start.

**UPDATE** My Snapple's Kiwi Teawi's poptop had already popped before I opened it. So I had to pour all of the teawi down the drainwi. Fuckwi.

Hometown Bozos

Here's a funny and savage needling of the 50 Most Loathesome New Yorkers as ranked by NY Press. Here's some funny/interesting bits:
#50--Naomi Campbell ("It’s easy to hate models; we’d all like to make a living getting fucked in speedboats and staying hooked on other peoples’ heroin.")

#48 Rock Revivalists, "Musicians" ("When the Strokes wormed their way into the pop charts, US Weekly and Drew Barrymore’s well-worn snatch, the search began for the nonexistent New York scene that spawned their moppet rock.") hahaha--"well-worn snatch"...yikes...vicious.

#46 Yoko Ono ("The second wife of the only good Beatle regularly competes with Kim Jong Il and Louis Farrakhan in televised international sunglasses competitions[.]")

#36 That Guy in the Huge Calvin Ad at Houston and Broadway, Pretty Boy ("He’s four-hundred-feet tall, he’s got flowing blond locks, he’s shirtless, his pubes are showing and you can almost hear him saying: "Yeah, and what are you going to do about it, bitch?")

#4 Ann Coulter, Pundit ("What a depressing age we live in, when a horse-faced Tri-Delt who spends her days hurling genocidal threats at foreigners and liberals—whose best come-hither look promises jackboots, pepper gas and the switch—can somehow be considered a sex symbol.")

#1 Keith Blanchard, Editor, Maxim ("Honestly thinks his glossy is a populist organ of substance and not a sheep-herding, post-frat social crutch for drooling, entry-level, corporate cogs.")

No Lizzie Grubman though...that deserves an oversight. Or maybe she's soooo 2001.

Fun With Selective Selling On Ebay

Patriotism. What does it mean to be a patriot? Aaaah...when I look to patriotism, I look to Ebay. According to Wired, a good patriot of ours from Atlanta is refusing to sell products to anybody on Ebay who lives in a state not involved in the "coalition of the willing."

Don't worry citizens of Palau...you are safe.

Okay...what an Ebay seller does is kind of...hmmm...irrelevant to just about everything going on in the world. But the internet allows us to blow up what are essentially lame private disputes into humorous links for you and me, the uninvolved parties. I mean check it out:
David Ingram, [who lives in Vancouver] received notification that his winning bid of $24.50 had been canceled, along with this message: "At the present time, [CompAtlanta does] not ship to, or accept bids from, Canada, Mexico, France, Germany or any other country that does not support the United States in our efforts to rid the world of Saddam Hussein. If you are not with us, you are against us."[...]

That didn't stop Ingram from trying again over the weekend. He bid for the laser printer a second time, offering $107.50 to avoid being outbid and specifying delivery to an American address. In a separate message, he informed Mitchell that he wanted the printer shipped stateside.

Judging by Mitchell's reply, however, Ingram isn't likely to get his printer from CompAtlanta: "You are obviously trying to get around the fact that you are Canadian," Mitchell wrote to Ingram, "and we will not honor your bid or ship to any location for you."

Ingram said Mitchell lacks a good business reason for not shipping to a Canadian who uses an American address. "If they're going to do that,'' Ingram said, "then they shouldn't sell to the 50 percent of Democrats and the 20 percent of Republicans that aren't supporting the war, either."[...]

He may also take it up in person with CompAtlanta. If he doesn't receive his printer before a scheduled trip south of the border later in the fall, Ingram says he'll pay the computer vendor a visit.

"If they don't send it,'' he said, "sometime in September or October I will park outside their store with a sign saying they discriminate against Canadians."

Good luck, David, are thoughts are with you. Enjoy your protests that begin in...uh...5-6 months or so.

Reason 856 Why The British Music Press Sucks

This blurb from an NME story about the new Radiohead album entitled "Hail To The Thief". Granted I understand they are British and may not be privy to a lot of American politics, but still:
The title of RADIOHEAD sixth album 'HAIL TO THE THIEF' is also an anti-GEORGE W BUSH slogan used by protesters at the end of the controversial election campaign that put him into the WHITE HOUSE, NME.COM can exclusively reveal.

Yes, quite a scoop NME.

Quite a scoop.

Seven Songs On A Spring Trip To Sucktown

"In A Stage Whisper"--Superchunk from Foolish
"Far Away"--Sleater-Kinney from One Beat
"Bend To Squares"--Death Cab For Cutie from Something About Airplanes
"Everything We Used To Be"--The Mendoza Line from We're All In This Alone
"Worried Now"--Sloan from Twice Removed
"I Don't Blame You"--Cat Power from You Are Free
"The New"--Interpol from Turn On The Bright Lights

March 25, 2003

Poor Poor Harvard

A year at Harvard now will cost $37,928. Why?
University officials attributed the increase to the weak economy, higher expenses and its unwillingness to cut services.

Aaahhh...yes. A weak economy. People losing jobs, no money...let's raise tuition. Puuuurrrrrfect. What about that endowment again?

I guess this isn't that out of touch. My alma mater now apparently costs $35,625. I think the era of middle-class kids such as myself being able to go to a private college or university is over. What bullshit.

We're Number One!!!

Oh yes...we're number one. But don't worry about us...we're fine...we now once again have around the clock jets and copters over our heads.
It is a reflection of the intelligence we have been receiving for some time that al-Qaeda will try to carry out an attack at the time of a military campaign in Iraq and that al-Qaeda continues to see New York as a prime target.

Go Ladies!!

Wow...for once a beauty queen from Massachusetts won something. Go us.

Around The Big Black Box

Television. I love you. More importantly I love cable. The way you allow me to watch absolute crap without feeling guilty. Thank you Home & Garden Television for a seat on a rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing gets my blood boiling more than the consistent parade of people on House Hunters who say "Hmmm...it only has one bathroom?? I guess we could make it work." or "Hmmm...I don't know. I really wanted two sinks." or "Hmmm...I don't know...this living room is not gigantic enough."

Fuck you and your fucking ridiculous expectations you big fat American slob. How many places do you need to take a shit? I lie in waiting for some stupid-ass couple to finally get their offer rejected. I want the broker to say "Well...sorry...but that time in Attica just caught up with you." or "Do you remember Wichita? Well, so do the Kansas State Police." Why don't you come along on some of my real estate broker trips to Brooklyn.

"Hmmm...I don't know. I was kind of hoping that this place would have a functioning stove."

"Hmmm...I don't know. I was kind of looking to avoid getting shot."

"Is this legal?"

But my spirits are quickly lifted by the wonderful door and deck installed by the obviously gay Peter Sanchez and his questionably gay brother Virgil on Weekend Warriors. Has anyone ever heard of a brother or sister gay combo? Does that happen? Please report.

Peter took a really crappy window/air conditioner area and put in a nice door leading out to a deck in a previously unused and crappy spot near his house. After seeing Peter hanging out on his newly constructed deck with a glass of lemonade I turned wistfully to Field Mouse and said "(sigh) I wish I was gay." Field Mouse reminded me that heterosexuals could also probably have done the deck and door.

I suppose...but I still think being gay helps.

I also spotted my IKEA entertainment center on the latest episode of Design On A Dime. I don't know whether to feel proud or horrified. In a way I feel outed. Yikes!!!

By the way, if you haven't yet checked out Big Bucks: The Press Your Luck Scandal on the Game Show Network, what the hell have you been doing? Maybe some of you don't even realize that you have this channel. It demands utilization. I mean, original programming on the Game Show Network? WOW!

Nothing relaxes me and takes my mind off world chaos and the fear that terrorists will "think globally, act locally" on my New York ass, then watching complete mindless crap like network executives bitching about a guy who took them for over a hundred grand by figuring out their not-so-random randomizer. Sure the documentary is two hours long of one hour long material but watch it anyways and check out the bizarre demonization of Michael Larson, one bizarrely bitter ex-contestant and big time product placement for the new Press Your Luck called Whammy.

I also recently watched Jeepers Creepers on Showtime. Wow, that movie so bad its good. It's kind of like a bunch of rich friends got together and made a horror movie but then got really bored halfway through and decided they just wanted to finish it. I haven't been able to take my eyes off something so bad since I saw Beanie Segal in State Property.
You betta get down or lay down!!!

Nine at Nine--The Morning Walk

"Here"--Pavement from Slanted & Enchanted
"Easy Way Out"--Elliott Smith from Figure 8
"Grown Men Don't Fall In The River, Just Like That"--Liars from They Threw Us All In A Trench And Stuck A Monument On Top
"Back In Baby's Arms"--Patsy Cline from 12 Greatest Hits
"Someone Something"--Spoon from Kill The Moonlight
"Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues"--McLusky from McLusky Do Dallas
"Say Hello To The Angels"--Interpol from Turn On The Bright Lights
"Step Aside"--Sleater-Kinney from One Beat
"Natural Anthem"--The Postal Service from Give Up

March 24, 2003

This Was Completely Unnecessary

This is stupid. I'll take this whole We hate the French/boycott seriously when guys stop googling Laetitia Casta.

Hot Damn.

Here is an interesting interview with Stephen Malkmus. It's the second one that I've seen in which he states that although he is pessimistic about Pavement getting back together, it's not out of the realm of possibilities. He is also no longer dating the woman who annoyingly was part of The Jicks because she was Stephen Malkmus' girlfriend. Malkmus also refers to the fact that Mark Ibold works at Great Jones Cafe, a weekly destination of the Field Mouse and I. I haven't seen Mark there in a while. Apparently he's been working different days than my days of patronage. I also haven't seen Malkmus there although he seems to be a regular customer when in town. If I saw both Malkmus and Ibold, I might have to step up and do some talking.

If you do consider stopping by Great Jones, do try the Creole Wings. They are a treat.

Although this has been a true fact for over a week now, I haven't blogged about the fact that the new Park Slope apartment scoped out by Field Mouse and I has fallen through. For a variety of nonsensical reasons, at the 11th hour the landlord refused to put Field Mouse on the lease. Coupled with the fact that the landlord seemed to be a complete freak, we decided to drop our interest in the apartment. Although we feel that it was the right thing to do, I don't really look forward to looking for an apartment again. I'll be quite upset if we end up having to settle for a place worse than the one we gave away.

I got up twice this weekend before 7am. I don't see the point of that in NYC. People are usually just getting home at that time.

Last night a ConEd truck did min-numbingly loud work outside our window starting at 12am and going well past 2am. Fuck ConEd.

March 23, 2003

I Ain't Sayin Nothin

You know, I'm not saying this has anything to do with anything...but let me tell you...I laughed out loud when I read this.