January 22, 2003

File Under: I Always Meant To Write About This But Somebody Already Did

Have you seen those DeBeers ads for diamonds in the subway? Those things have always annoyed me. Why you ask? Or what the hell are you talking about? Check it out here.

Dent-Resistant Panels And A Trademark Lawsuit Waiting To Happen

I'm getting real sick of that Saturn commercial featuring "We've Been Had" by The Walkmen. Even if you don't know The Walkmen you know this commercial. It has all of the Generation X to Y kids apparently carpooling in a Saturn as they travel past various points along the individual evolutionary trail.

Yuck. I'm not pulling a hipster-holier-than-thou platform on this one. It's just on all the time.
I'm a modern guy/I don't care much/for the go-go/or the retro

"We've Been Had" could be the best song on Everyone Who Pretended To Like Me Is Gone. Now "We've Been Had" is on television almost as much as 50 Cent's "Wanksta" is on radio.

And let's face it...any song can get real annoying if played over and over again. To be honest, I think the always wrenched vocals of Walkmen songs have a shorter half-life.

Oh...and don't even get me started on The Apples In Stereo song on the Time Warner Cable commercial.

January 21, 2003

Ministry Is Cheesy

Last night I told this story to the Field Mouse. I thought I would share it with you all.

On August 7th or August 8th of 1992 I went to the second Lollapalooza festival at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

There is no Great Woods in 2003.

Great Woods is now called The Tweeter Center. Apparently there is no Great Woods Corp. or Great Woods Inc. to foot the bill for naming rights so Tweeter, the audiophile store, bought an ampitheatre. Great Woods was/is an outdoor ampitheatre. Close to the stage there is covered seating, like you would find at a sports arena. Beyond those seats there was "the lawn." The lawn was cheaper than the seats. Beyond the lawn was a wooden fence. Beyond the wooden fence was...hmm..I think marsh.

Lollapalooza '92 was not my first concert. I attended my first real concert at Great Woods a year earlier on June 30, 1991. I was fifteen years old. On reflection, that seems to be a bit old for one's first concert. I think the inability to legally drive a car kept me from attending shows. The only reason I was at this show was because my sister's boyfriend took me. Oh the things that boys do to get by. Or maybe I was just a late bloomer. Oh well. On June 30, 1991 I attended a killer triple bill. Ladies and gentlemen...will you put your hands together for....
David Lee Roth
Cinderella
Extreme

Oh yes. I remember it well. I was a big fan of the Boston band Extreme. Their classic album Extreme II: Pornograffitti had just gone gold. In fact they received their framed gold record after their performance.

Thank you Boston!!! You're the fuckin' best!!! [pump fist]

I sang along with "More Than Words" and "Hole Hearted" (remember how Lyndon Byers and Cam Neely of the Bruins were in that video?? Bizarre.) and rocked out to "Get The Funk Out." Since I didn't really care for Cinderella (I had standards after all), I took that time to walk around and feel the crowd. Yes. I felt everybody.

I was ambivalent about David Lee Roth. In fact I was ambivalent about the whole show. I just went to go to a concert. I remember that David Lee Roth's set was dominated by these huge legs decked out in fishnet stockings. It was David Lee Roth after all. I was pleased that he did "California Girls" though. I don't remember if he did "Yankee Rose"...he must have...but there's no way I would have enjoyed it as much as the video. That was legendary comedy. (My doctor says...I have to take a laxative!!! --Not in my store you don't!!!)

So fast forward a year later. I'm at the concert I wanted to go to. Alternative rock ruled the airwaves and I was beginning to realize that I should be ashamed that I owned the cassingle to shlock-ballad "Headed For A Heartbreak" by shlock-metal band Winger. (Now that I'm 26, I'm thoroughly disgusted by Kip Winger's lyrics in "Seventeen"...I mean she's only seventeen/daddy says she's too young/but she's old enough for me) The lineup of Lollapalooza '92 holds interest even today. It was a veritable who's-who of alt-rock.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Ministry
Ice Cube
Soundgarden
The Jesus And Mary Chain
Pearl Jam
Lush

There's nothing wrong with any of that. Nosiree. We even got the pre-depressed/pre-overly introspective Eddie Vedder climbing up ladders and doing the grunge spazz-out. (Evvvvveeeennnnfllloooooowww...gareararbahhaht...like butterflies!!!) I distinctly remembered that I was bored with the Jesus and Mary Chain and extremely disappointed by Soundgarden. As far as I remember I thought Soundgarden sucked that night...despite the fact I had loved Badmotorfinger.

I'm looooookin' Callllliiiiifornnnniahhhh/and feeeeeelin' Miniiinnnneessssotahhhh...

Oh yeah.right now motherfucker....oooohhh....Minnesooootttaaa...you feel soooo good. [ahem] Sorry. I guess that was over when they made Feeling Minnesota...the movie.

I remember that Ice Cube had these big guys with fake assault weapons on stage. Or at least I think/hope they were fake assault weapons. But that's about it.

But then...Ministry. Oh my.

I didn't know that much about Ministry. I had seen a bunch of freaky people wearing these black and gold Ministry t-shirts around the ampitheatre. I had never heard their music though. I think I had heard they were similar to Nine Inch Nails. Anyways, I had expected to go and walk around during the Ministry set, similar to what I had done a year earlier during Cinderella. As soon as Ministry started up, I knew that the walk was not going to happen.

Ministry had just released Psalm 69, a mind-numbing thrash of an album in July. Al Jourgensen had the scary-ass mike stand before the lead singer of Korn knew what "scary-ass" was. Sets of clanging bones hung all over Al's mike stand. Behind the band were giant video screens. I was not prepared.

Loud. Oh my fucking god loud.

Ministry was loud. Ministry loved strobe lights. Ministry loved showing dismembered bodies and stock footage of operations on giant video screens while Al screamed "you're lying through your teeth." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Ministry fans loved it. I looked out from my seat to the lawn and I saw the lawn...in the air. People out on the lawn had ripped up pieces of sod and had started to throw them at each other. By this time it was pretty dark outside. Huge chunks of sod flew through the air landing on other people's faces. It was utter mayhem. I was sitting in the third or so to last row of the covered area. The pieces of sod had begun to enter my airspace. One even entered my face at full speed. After clearing Mansfield dirt off my face I began to realize that this was a different kind of show. As I pondered this fact, I got hit in the chest with a sizable amount of nacho cheese. Somebody had thrown their nachos at me.

Fucker!!!!

So now I was covered in nacho cheese sauce and dirt watching someone get a leg amputated. Awesome. It was definitely time to take my wimpy ass to the bathroom to clean up and take a whiz. The bathroom was full of people covered in dirt high fiving each other. "Fuck...dude....fuck" After letting the lizard out for a walk I went over to wash my hands in the sink. Hmmm...how ever do I wash my hands when all the sinks are being used for pissing? Hmmm...I don't.

I slowly made my way back to my seat. I was a bit out-of-order and confused as to what had happened. Clarity hit me when I saw three huge fires burning out on the lawn. Apparently the lawn people had evolved to the point where they invented fire. They had ripped down pieces of the wooden back fence and constructed bonfires. Ministry was blasting out "Just One Fix" ("never trust a junky...") as kids recreated their favorite scenes from Lord Of The Flies. Yikes.

JUST ONE FIX...ONE FIX...ONE FIX...JUST ONE FIX...

Help!! I'm from the suburbs!!! What happened to Evvvvveeeennnnfllloooooowww...gareararbahhaht...like butterflies!!!???

Ministry kept on plugging until their set ended. I saw at least three more bloody on-screen operations during that time and burst 276 eardrums. After Ministry raped and pillaged the Massachusetts countryside, the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on and implored people to stop setting things on fire and to instead "suck their kiss." It took a while until all the fires were put out and even longer before people stopped setting new ones.

Like the oil fields of Iraq after Bush-Hussein I: The Battle For Kuwait, the fire is still burning today, my friends. Burn on, illegally set bonfire...burn on.

Demons!! Everywhere!!

Wow...spooky...spooky photo.

LES Murder Continued

Hmmm...so I guess I was wrong about the friend being the killer for the Orchard Street murder. I feel so much better knowing that in fact there are two stick-up kids roaming the streets. Nice. Anyways, the friend is a bit miffed at being originally fingered by New York's finest as the killer. Certainly he should be angry at the photo the Post ran of him.

I guess I will just keep an eye out for
"a black or Hispanic man with a goatee, 22 to 26, about 5-foot-11 and 175 pounds, and wearing a red jacket with blue jeans; and a dark-skinned black man, 18 to 24, about 5-foot-6 to 5-foot-8 and 140 pounds."

On the LES??...hahaha...will do captain!

Who knows how this story will end. One thing is for sure. This story has certainly gotten more press than murders in Bed-Stuy.

January 19, 2003

News News News

Wow...a Sunday chock full of news that I'm interested in. First off, according to the New York Post, there is a crime wave under way on the LES, especially on The Huffer's street named Clinton. It's difficult to assess whether or not this is true. To me it seems more like a way for the Post to tie a greater sociological story into the recent murder of the guy on Orchard. However, I still maintain (with little evidence) that it's going to come out that the guy was killed by his friend.

Anyway, one thing is clear after reading this article (although for me it was always obvious), Dewey Dufresne is an asshole. To wit:
We came here because it was desolate. We made it hip. I think any increase in crime is because of the bad economy. I don't think opening a restaurant has anything to do with it.

Aaahh...Dewey..Dewey...decimal system. Maybe the restaurants have nothing to do with it...maybe there is no "it." One thing is for sure though..."we made it hip" guy...you're an asshole.

In other news...apparently the Dismemberment Plan is breaking up. This sucks. One of the last few really great bands going around right now. If this is true, they play their last gig in NYC on February 5th at the Bowery Ballroom (with Enon, not a bad band themselves). So if you're interested, get your tickets here.

Finally, Elliott Smith is coming out of hiding to open up two shows for Jon Spencer Blues Explosion (I do not play no blues!!!! I play rock and roll!!!...in all honesty actually...I don't understand who goes to JSBX shows anymore, but that's just me) at the Bowery Ballroom this weekend (Jan. 24th and 25th). Shit. I'm not going to be in NYC this weekend. Well, the shows are already sold out anyway. However, if I was in town I think I actually would have tried to get scalped tickets. A first in The Huffer's experience. Elliott Smith is a top two or three artist in my book and he has been very very scarce these past few years. I hope everything's going okay for him.

True.